Failure

In the past week our area has had two female suicides. One was 12, one 14. I don't know the girls personally, but I have connections to both in a friend of a friend way.

I am devastated for their families.

What makes a CHILD so young want to die? I can't even imagine.

As I age I understand the wanting to die when a health issue takes over your body, but at 12? 14?

It's a cause of great reflection for all of us.

I have my own theories and I know it is not the answer, but maybe a thought worth some discussion.

About ten years ago my friend who taught Junior High told me how that EVERY young girl who tried out to be a cheerleader got to be a cheerleader. Of course you can understand how kind that is. Everybody gets to experience the joy. I wish I could have been a cheerleader.

Did I have a cheerleader body? Nope.

Could I jump high? Nope.

Was I coordinated, physically? Nope.

Should I have been a cheerleader? Nope.

Was it disappointing to me that after I tried out for the high school flag girls for the band, that I was rejected? You bet.  I was upset for about fifteen minutes when I saw I did not make it. And then I got over it because I KNEW I was not meant to be the flag girl.

And that was OK that I and every other girl who tried out did NOT make it. I went on to do nothing of any importance (I know you were waiting for me to say I tried out for the high school play and made the lead and found my calling.) Nope.

I did become President of Future Teachers of America and volunteered in elementary classrooms. And I was in the Variety Shows as a great back up singer and dancer and I headed the ticket sales for those shows. And I went to the football games and cheered and clapped for all the girls that made Flag Girl.

And I had lots of failures and I had lots of successes. I had to experience both to appreciate both.

Claire Shipman and Katty Kay have written a book called, The Confidence Code. It's been promoted on ABC lately. They mention failure. We need to fail.

I have seen way too many parents during my years of teaching hover and jump in for the child. I know their heart is in the right place, they don't want their child to feel sad or hurt or feel any pain, physically or socially. I never wanted that for my child either.

I felt every ache they felt. Perhaps I felt it more. In fact I can still recall so many moments of anguish my children went through. Recently I mentioned one such incident to my son, telling him how I could still feel his pain, and he had no recall. I couldn't believe it. I was holding on to it all these years, thinking I had failed as a parent and he had erased it years ago.

When parents would call me and try to take the blame for a project not being turned in on time or for the forgotten homework or try to convince me to make an exception I tried so hard to kindly tell them this was a lesson. An important lesson. The world will not crumble. This was a time to learn how to let go and move on and that life was still great.

I have to say this didn't always work. The children were always fine, it was the parents who held a grudge or stayed mad at me for a long time, maybe forever. But as parents we are the teachers. When our child is disappointed we need to acknowledge that pain and then find solutions to overcome. There is ALWAYS going to be pain. Disappointment. Mistakes. Failure. Wrong Turns.

How we handle those missteps is the greatest gift.

A child can be told No. A child can be told, maybe next year. A child can get a low score and work hard to raise it.

There is power in effort. There is energy in practice. There is growth in solution. There is pride in self-improvement.

Every child deserves the understanding of a loving adult to guide her through the messes of life. All the highs and lows. Every child has to know it's not all easy. Every child has to learn, in little baby steps, to climb up, fall down, and climb again on her own.

We owe our children a future they can handle. We need to allow them to find the beauty in every day and to have the strength to handle the clouds. And that's going to require the parents pay attention and listen and observe and be aware of EVERYTHING in the child's life. And communicate, communicate, communicate.

Parent and child. Always a team.